Wednesday, April 22, 2009


"Someone stole my bicycle
Someone stole my bike.
I want to ride my bicycle.
I want to ride it where I like."

-Sung to the Queen tune 'Bicycle Race.'

I had never heard of this Queen song before I lived in the Czech Republic. Then I heard it almost daily on any radio station they had. Perhaps it was the only Queen song they could get for under 50 bucks. I would have thought 'Bohemian Rhapsody' would have been more appropriate while living in Prague. But they sure played the living fuck out of 'We Are the Champions' when they won the Olympic Hockey Thing.

But now the Bicycle song runs through my head every day. It follows me as I walk the streets of Berlin. Yes, I walk the streets now. Before I used to ride my BICYCLE!!!! before some random street junkie Deutschbag stole it.

I really want to ride my bicycle. I really want to ride my bike. It was the first bike I had since I was a teenager. I was flying down busy Berlin boulevards and seeing things I wouldn't ordinarily see while walking (and at higher speeds).

My bike was the most beat up piece of flea market shit loose change could buy:

- scratchy black paint
- rusty chain
- torn, wobbly seat
- broken lights and reflectors (all of them)
- bad brakes bolted on backwards

And yet, locked inside my apartment building's entrance, wheels locked to the frame, alongside at least 20 bikes locked the same way, 20 other bikes worth at least 100 euros each--they stole mine.

My bike cost 35 euros including the chain. I mean, Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ, are you SERIOUS? What kind of CRACK can you score from this heist???!!!!!???? I hope your 'fence' laughed his ass off when he saw your 'score.' I hope he sold you some watered down heroin soaked in paint thinner. Seriously, dude. You're a fucking loser. Heh.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Bring Out The Pimp

And the third Prez makes a hat-trick.
Kennedy, Obama, and Clinton. They all have a special place on my blog. They came to Berlin. They saw. They bought a donut. They dunked it.

I love Berlin Graffiti. You will see a lot of it on these pages, all three of you who read them. The one thing I love more than graffiti in Berlin is political graffiti in Berlin. Not 'Anarchy,' 'Fight da Power' and all that tired bullshit.

I like the graffiti that states an obvious yet frivolously humorous fact. Perhaps we can call it 'wikiffiti.' Fact: Bill Clinton is a Pimp. In the hip-hop sense of the word. Like, 'he da man, da playah, all dat and a bag a chips.' Not to be confused with an ACTUAL pimp, i.e. the purveyor of female flesh to the oldest customers of the oldest profession. Not to say that Big Bill peddled flesh of the back of the White House when he was The Dude In The Chair.

But I wouldn't put it past him. I mean, why not? He's da Pimp.


Wednesday, April 1, 2009

More Chiseling Away at History

They've got the head of Nefertiti in Berlin. I know this because I read that an important German once said 'Bring me the head of Nefertiti.'

I jest. Actually, the news today said "Experts Discover Second Face Under Nefertiti Bust." Once--just once--I'd like to read something in the news where 'experts' were in no way involved. Something like:
"Random Turks in an Alley with a Pair of Pliers and a Blowtorch Discover..."